I thought things would go well, finally.

For some reason, during the week, I had resolved to be "productive" on this particular Saturday. After having been out of the loop for nearly two months, I thought it would be high time to get back on track with my social obligations (mostly church-related stuff, which I don't mind because I love my church friends). Besides, after attending the singles anniversary service last Saturday and having fellowship with acquaintances-turned-good-friends, I simply longed for more.

So, today. Today's plan was simple: outreach in the morning, D-Group in the afternoon, then Connect in the evening. I thought I'd be able handle it like a pro, despite not having done anything like this in the past. (I always end up leaving before Connect begins, mostly because I'd either be extremely sleepy by 7pm or I'd feel guilty about leaving the dogs all on their own at home, or both.)

However, tonight was different. I had no problem at all during the outreach because I missed the kids + Tita + Tito way too much as I hadn't seen them since February. Being with children is almost always physically exhausting, but this is rarely an issue for me. I had fun with the kids today and that's that. No trouble during the D-Group meeting either; in fact, I had made a new friend. (Yay, me!) Besides, I also terribly missed my sisters' company. I loved the few hours of catching up and studying the Word, and sharing the on-goings of our lives. Again, no problem here. I was enjoying every bit of this get-together!

Then, Connect. Helped out with snack preps, as usual, and ended up chatting with some people outside the hall before the service started. I was speaking to someone (he asked how the outreach went and talked a bit about his family moving to a new place) and I suddenly went, "Ang dami nang tao, sorry, introvert problems." I fled the scene, just like that and entered the main hall and took my place on the table. Then I wrote in my prayer journal while everyone around me were mingling and talking and catching up -- normal stuff. I was not, at all, feeling tired or sleepy, but I had started to feel anxious. : (

I wrote half a page's worth in my journal, expressing my current dilemma to the Lord. I felt a little calm afterward, the worship started and ended...until I felt anxious again. Like, I had to get out of that place. I was honestly on the verge of tears, but I didn't know why. I just knew that I had to get out because I could not "take it" - take everything that was going on around me and within me. 

So I left with Rose. I've never felt so unsure and so overwhelmed as I had at that moment. I tried to run through it with Rose while we were driving home, and I kid you not, I was so scared. For what, I had no idea, but I was just so scared that something like that had just happened to me. 

It turns out, my "symptoms" indicate that I had just had a mild anxiety attack. I've always read about these things in passing, but never once thought I'd experience something similar. I've always known how much of an introvert I am and how socially awkward I can get in certain situations...but an anxiety attack was never within my reach, if I may. 

I still don't know how this came to be or what its roots are, but I hope to God nothing like that ever happens again. I still have yet to discover what God's message for me is regarding this incident, but one thing I know for sure: I will hold onto Him, tighter than ever.