grace
corteous good will
(in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favour of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings

What do you do when you struggle with grace? It's so easy to say how much I love God and how grateful I am for God bestowing endless grace upon me, day after day. But manifesting grace unto those whom you believe are not worthy of kindness? Do you just take a deep breath and let them, momentarily, steal your joy? Or do you unleash a beast you never knew existed within you? 

Yesterday, three children stood right outside our fence, in front of the mango tree. Not one called out the usual "chant", Te? Te? Pengeng mangga. So I stood there, where they couldn't see me, waiting and watching what they would do next. The biggest dog, Junior, who was tied up (because Russell was running around the yard freely), would not stop barking at the children. He wanted to get into their reach, probably to scare them off. (Dogs have a sense of who the "uninvited visitors" are, no?) 

Then it happened. One of the kids stuck his hand through the small opening of the fence and reached for a very small mango, the nearest one. And I snapped. Sort of. I called out and asked what they were doing as they obviously did not ask the owner for permission to get mangoes, even worse, stick a part of their body into the fence, on a private property. Then the chant started, Te, pengeng mangga. (So they do know how to ask for permission, but it was probably only because they were caught red-handed.)  I simply told them, Not yet, the mangoes are still too small. Come back another day when they're a little bigger. They were children, I know, but I'm pretty sure those two sentences were easy for them to understand. But they carried on with their chant, one kid even had the nerve to climb onto the fence to try and reach another mango. And anger just washed over me. I politely said no and even asked them to return some other time, but they further exasperated me. I threatened to unleash the big dog, but they were still very persistent. I walked away because I didn't want to do or say anything further as I was aware that I was already angry. They continued to climb all the while saying their chant. I was on the verge of losing it when I finally said I would call the Barangay Security. They immediately left. That, I believe was God's grace, saving me from possibly transforming into The Hulk. 

Just a little while ago, I was happily driving and singing in my car, feeling grateful for the very light traffic flow. The stoplight turned green, I stepped on the clutch, set the car to first gear, then stepped on the gas. Everything was going smoothly until some a-hole (I'm sorry, there really is no alternative term for such people) cut me off. The a-hole was lucky that even though I was already on the third gear, I was able to quickly step on the brakes. A few things to note here: the a-hole was on the left-most lane, where a white arrow pointing to the left was painted. Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that mean that that lane is ONLY for cars turning left? Did he (she?) not take the the driving exam before acquiring a driver's license? 

I honked, loudly, at the a-hole for a good few seconds as he cut in front of me (from the left lane to the right, where I was). My vision went black and I screamed a curse word or two, and knowing that my windshield is not tinted, I glared at the a-hole's rearview mirror whilst tailgating him (her). A day's worth of driving in Manila (or the Philippines) is really incomplete when such instances do not occur. But there are various degrees to these kinds of a-hole driving. I'm sure I've had my share of being an a-hole on the road, but I'm honestly the type of driver who stops (more often than not) to let other cars or pedestrians pass through. (I always think to myself: I'm not rushing to get to where I'm going and traffic flow would definitely be better if people gave way. I suppose this is the kind of mentality you derive, somehow, from residing in more civilized societies. ) At any rate, where I could have taken a deep breath and quickly forgive the a-hole driver whom I will probably never encounter again (a brand new Suzuki Ertiga, white, with its passenger side mirror chopped off, dents and huge scratches on the side and at the back), I retaliated by allowing the beast within me to emanate. And maybe wished, in the back of my head, that he (she) would drive into a tree sometime in the future, if only to teach him (her) a lesson: your reckless driving may have fatal consequences.

It happens every now and then, both in little and major incidents as well. When you're at a fast food restaurant and the servers take 30 minutes to get your order despite having just a few customers. You lash out with disapproving words and have them know what they've done wrong. When a person blatantly uses another for his/her advantage in their career, financial status, to cover up insecurities, to spite another, whatever the reason. Do you allow them to dive into ruin or do you display an attitude of great dislike towards that user? Or maybe when someone takes that slice of pizza from the fridge, which you've been saving for yourself. Do you have a silent protest or do you simply let it pass? What about when some manipulative jerk from the past comes begging for your help in the present? Do you allow grace to override or do you reject the person's pleading with an evil smile drawn across your face?

How do you show grace when there are people in your surroundings who continuously challenge your emotions? How do you control anger when you know you're in the right? (Or is "knowing you're in the right" already a form of arrogance? Where arrogance is present, humility dissolves, and that, too, is a bad thing.) 

I try to be a good Christian, and in doing so, I know I should illuminate grace more than ever. But I also know that I am human, laced with very complex emotions. Amidst all the momentary anger and maybe even display of disgracefulness, I'm still grateful that God stops me right on time to remind me that He will take care of everything. Including my emotions, whether I'm PMS-ing or not. 

Grace: it is what God gives me, endlessly. Grace: it is what I need to share with others, no matter how trying. Grace: are my words, actions, and thoughts pointing others to Jesus? 

I don't know about you, but we could all use a sprinkle of grace every day.