Cryptic words meander 

Now there is a song beneath the song 

One day you'll learn 

You'll soon discern its true meaning 

An interesting detachment 

A listless poem of love sincere 

Desire, despair 

Overlapping melodies 

Maria Taylor

---

I'm in my emotionally unstable phase again, only this time, something really needs to be done about it. I'm so sick of this torturous cycle; it always leaves me in a state of confusion, depression, and frustration. The worst part, of course, is self-loathe, which I've been dealing with even before the current issue manifested itself in my supposedly quiet and peaceful life. 

I don't know how I allow myself to fall into these kinds of situations time and time again, but I am pretty convinced that I transform into a totally different person (a reckless creature, nonetheless) when I am near The Influence. It is much like being in a trance. I'm doing well one minute, but once The Influence has stepped into my sphere, I lose all senses and turn into a wretched being. How it happens, I don't even know.  Once The Influence is out of radar, I crumble into tiny bits and pieces, much like waking up from a nightmare, and fall in a sullen state. My core being then becomes an illustration of depression. The entire cycle is very exhausting, yet I know not why I repeatedly take part in it.

Boredom. Familiar territory. Temporary comfort. Cheap thrill. Evidence of being bad-ass. 

In reality, it was always about control. Misery is definitely involved, but the practice of control has always been present with The Influence. And I allow this because, well, I'm dumb when it comes to these things.

But now all I really am is exhausted. I have gone through so much with The Influence, but nothing seems to have changed for the better. If anything, things keep getting worse. A permanent distance must be placed somewhere in between, but the question looms over me like a dark cloud: How do I even begin to make such a permanent mark?

It's an easy thing to pledge yourself to end all the crazies, but acting upon such prove to be a challenge. Or maybe it's just me. But you wouldn't really know unless you were in my skin.

An escape. To fly away. Either The Influence goes, or I go. I think I would prefer to go. It's the only way.