I could probably write a novel about the events of my life in the past year because it has been mundane and colourful and insane and stagnant. Then again, isn't that the norm for a life of a human being?

I really thought I would set things right when 2012 rolled around, but October is about to end and things just keep getting more and more complicated. Or maybe it's just the way it is as you get older. But I think I'm making things more complicated for myself because I let my emotions get the best of me. 

Honestly, I hate myself to an extent and I don't think people get that. I'm trying, but I'm obviously not trying hard enough because I always end up ruining myself more. I'm sick of it now like how I was sick of it over a year ago. And the year before that. And the year before that. 

So, now what?

Will the plan work this time around or will I be drawn even closer to the one I'm trying to run from? Because as hard as it is to admit, I will miss The Good Friend. We were such good friends and sometimes I wish things were the way they were in the beginning. But it's too late for wishful thinking now; what is needed is action. Real action to end this madness. 

I hate that, when I'm making progress, The Good Friend steps up on the game and does something that takes me a step back. Or when I can't restrain myself from saying hello or hi, how are you? and everything's back to normal again. (In which the measure of "normal" is out of this world.) We're different, The Good Friend and I. Different in the worst ways possible. It's a never-ending game of Which One Can Cause More Damage To The Other?, but in truth, we're really causing damage unto ourselves. And we both know it.

I've lived without The Good Friend for six months when the year started; six solid months of amazing life. I missed The Good Friend every now and then, sure, but I was self-restrained. And then I started to falter. Until I stumbled backwards and into many doors of secrecy and madness and strangeness; the smoke returned and life became a blur once more. The path to righteousness, hazy and distant yet again.

It always happens. 

But this time, maybe, just maybe, I'll find enough courage to walk into the light.