“Things need not have happened to be true. Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot.”

Neil Gaiman

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It's half past one and I have just gotten up a little over an hour and a half ago. I slept through the entire day. Though I did manage to go for a morning walk (one hour and twenty-one minutes today). I don't ever want to ride that particular roller coaster (in my nightmare), that's for sure. But reality still sinks in when I'm awake and I just get so so so sad at the fact that I have really lost my iPod (my 24/7 companion). Le sigh. Mother says I can purchase a new one, if I want to. (I'm so grateful my parents aren't the type to dwell on material or monetary losses, which we have also learned from them.) I guess an iPod is #1 on my Christmas list now. Hihihi. (Or maybe not because I also need to purchase a phone for myself and my brother.) :)

Anyway, I royally fucked up in the most grandiose of all ways. Am I over it? No. Because whenever I'm awake, the scenes from the nightmare play itself over and over again in my mind. But one thing's for sure: I am eternally grateful for God saving me over and over again. l wouldn't have survived that unreal roller coaster ride if it weren't for His love, goodness and mercy. Lesson learned, Lord. I'm definitely going to stop being reckless and stupid on the road of life. I'm going to try my best to be my good self once more, with God's grace.

Unreal. Just unreal. As I look back in the past, it gradually dawns on me how absolutely ugly everything has been. These words ring true: happy now does not mean happy later. It's like...seeing how ugly my fat self has been and now I'm actually doing something about it to make it all better, to leave the ugly fats in the past as I work on a slimmer me. I want to apply the same principle in my life at the moment. Goal now is to be better, to be the best kind of good I can be for God. But still, thank you, Past, for the happiness and the bittersweet lessons. I do believe I'm going to be an even better person because of all the things Past has taught me.

I haven't cried a single tear (during and) since the nightmare. Does that mean I'm finally becoming stronger? I do, however, manage a smile (along with shaking my head in disbelief) whenever the reality of the nightmare seeps in. Perhaps I am going insane as I cope through it. I have experienced way too much during this twenty-fifth year, I think.

Dear Reckless Self,
GAME OVER.

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“Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn.”

C.S. Lewis