But I can't bring myself to do it. I have been taught, from a young age, to cook with love. Otherwise, the food I create would taste just as bad as my feelings. Mother has given my the sole responsibility for the Christmas giveaways this year: cookies, cupcakes, brownies, food for the gods and cheesecake. I usually love baking and get really excited to do so, but there isn't enough joy in my heart at the moment. Heck, I'm sad at the fact that I'm sad. 

I said I didn't want to fall in the dark pit of depression anymore,

but here I am. Again. Lying on the bed, crying. Wishing to succumb to nothingness. Praying to God to take me from this world because the pain is too much to bear. Sometimes trying your best to be strong, to get over it, to move on is far too exhausting of a task that all the energy is drained from your being. And you just want to give up. I'm close to giving up.

I need You, Lord.

I need Your restoration and renewal. No one but You can make it all better. Please take all the pain away and replace it with joy. 

One of the things that spells happiness

is our friendship. Or the one we used to have anyway. (If any of it was real to you, that is.) Now I feel like I'm being pushed away, that everything said was a lie. I have never felt so used in my life. Now, when I think of you, I just get really sad and cry.

I love people too much and too easily.

That is the kind of friend that I am. I give too much of myself away at times, but I don't mind, as long as I know I'm making a friend happy. This is why, when there is a rift between a friend and I, I instantly feel miserable. It doesn't help that I cry easily, too. I love each of my friends and value them so much, but when you later come to  realize how little of worth you are to them, it just hurts. No further explanation needed.

I've never felt so dejected and ugly as I do now.

I thought things were finally getting better for me, but who am I kidding. I am just another sad, fat, ugly girl.