And why do I always end up trusting the wrong people? :'( It really is a painful track to be on, when you love people so much that you trust them wholeheartedly but they end up breaking that trust. Breaking you. (And sometimes, in the most unfortunate of all events, breaking relationships.)

And then what? The next thing you know you are the star of other peoples' discussion. At first they express disbelief, disappointment, sadness...and then they start to criticize, to judge, to belittle you. Like you're the filthiest of all human beings. Like you've done something totally unforgivable against them when they aren't even involved in the issue in the first place. I'm not angry; rather, I am sad that the people I have grown to love and trust with all my heart have become the kind of people I wish I hadn't trusted. I still love them, no matter what they think of me, but the level of trust cannot be regained. 

---

The point is, I do not need people to bring me lower than I already am. To make me feel worse than I already feel. To weaken my soul more than it already is. I fucking know that I have done some terrible  things. I KNOW THAT. And I'm working on it, but of course they're too busy talking to actually notice that. I know I've broken some promises. I know I have sinned against man and against God. But they don't know how much I'm struggling and that more than anything, I need help, encouragement, and prayers. And love. Heck, they don't even need to understand me. I'm not seeking to be understood because there are times where I don't even understand myself. I don't mind being scolded or being told off, because I know that that is how a friend  truly shows he or she cares; kind of like when a parent (even God!) disciplines you so that you can get back on the right track. In fact, I love it when people are straightforward with me, expressing their sincere disappointment directly towards me.

What I do not appreciate, however, are the sleazy gossip-like talks and judging minds. Many people have come to me to share their deepest secrets and their struggles and their problems...and I just listen. I offer a bit of advice at times, but when people open up to me, I feel privileged because it means they trust me enough. But most of the time, I just listen. Sometimes I scold them for doing this and that, but it doesn't mean I love them less. And I try to be encouraging and do my best to make sure that they are loved. And that's that. Other people do not need to know about another's problems or secrets. 

I am reminded of this line all of a sudden: Hate the sin, not the sinner. (Or: Hate the sin, but love the sinner. It is not a biblical saying, but it's just fitting in this case. Though there are Biblical aspects with regards to the saying, but that would be for another entry because it involves such complex thoughts!)

But I guess it doesn't work that way with everyone. There really are some people who cannot stand not talking about others. I mean, if a friend were to be really concerned for you, wouldn't he or she directly speak to you about it? And if that friend cannot stand to confront the other, I think it is best to just pray for the struggling friend. But like I said, different folks, different strokes. I have no control over others' lives, neither do they with mine, so can we just stick our noses in our own businesses? 

---

I try not to be biased when it comes to people or group of friends. I would like to believe that I love all of my friends equally, but the depth of my relationship with each person definitely varies. Like, I can be friends with you for a really, really, really long time but not trust you as much as I trust a friend I've met only a year ago. But I love the both of them just the same. (I hope that makes sense.) Anyway, it really depends on the kind of relationship you have with that particular person or group of friends. 

So yes, I do consider my Christian friends to be more "special" than that of the others because the relationship I have with them is just so different. The fact that we share the same beliefs is already amazing in itself because we understand what it's like to struggle in such a broken world. We understand that no one is perfect, but how we have a perfect God who can help us through any and everything we're undergoing. But most of all, there's just a never-ending amount of love and compassion for one another. For instance, if I  tell them that I've committed a sin, they know that what I have done is absolutely wrong. They don't condone my actions or behavior, yet at the same time they they do not condemn me for it. Instead, I am encouraged to get on the right path and am reminded that what I have done is wrong. We accept mistakes, but more than so, love still overflows. Basically, we do what we can to build each other up, however bad we might have been or how hopeless our situations may be. To me, it's like helping each other build a path towards heaven because we all desire to be up there. Together. So there. Reason why my Christian friends are, without a doubt, Awesome Friends. We don't love each other less; yet, we love each other more. 

Despite my failures and imperfections, my Awesome Friends still love me. Like how Jesus loves me despite the sins I commit daily. 

---

It is just unfortunate that the rest of the world do not coincide with this kind of love and compassion. But that's how it is, how the world works. At least now I'm (continuously!) learning a great deal about trust. It's always sad when I feel that I have to stop trusting a person or two, or that I should trust them less. Yet, still, it doesn't mean I love them less. 

I love you, but I can't trust you the same way again. I'm sorry.