I wrote that after dinner yesterday. Unfortunately, it isn't far from the truth. It just came to me; it was like having an epiphany. I wrote it down because I wanted a visible reminder of my exact thought at that precise moment. Suddenly, it felt like my world was really falling apart. It's already so broken, but I guess things can get worse.

A few hours later, God was speaking to me again. He instructed me over and over and over again to do this thing, and I tried to fight against it. I tried to block that voice of goodness, but I couldn't. It felt like someone was nagging me, in a way. So I did as was told and there I was, yet again, sitting in my office cubicle, drowning in tears. I thought to myself, "There goes my temporary happiness; there goes my opportunity of being on cloud nine. Gone. Just like that. With the utterance of two sentences." I was sad and frustrated, but I knew deep in my heart that I have done the right thing. It really is so different when God talks to you that way. It felt like I was awoken and taken away from my little world of happy fantasies. I obeyed Him and that's the most important thing out of all of it. 

I still haven't stopped crying. When I came home I just wept to myself as everything dawned on me: I am a terrible person, I have hurt so many people, I have disregarded respect even to myself, and basically, I've let the Devil control me in exchange for this temporary satisfaction / pleasure / happiness. And yes, I have been fully aware of my actions all along. But I'm also not going to lie; it has been such an exhilarating adventure, none like others I've experienced. Never felt a twinge of regret in the beginning and I don't think I ever will. Live without regrets, right? I asked for it and wanted it at one point anyway.

I know that a lot of people look up to me, admire the kind of young woman that I am. Close friends and family members use me as a "model" as someone who "you should try to be like" when they talk to their kids. My closest friends know the kind of values I have and how they believe me to be morally upright in most situations. (Come on, I don't cross the street unless the green man comes on, even if there aren't any cars on the road.) So what kind of role model would I be if I continued to live in my fantasy world, right? I want to be back on track again. At least I'm hoping this is what it is.

But I was also weeping for something far greater, something that never fails to cut through my heart: that I am not worthy of being someone's partner. (Lump in my throat definitely growing bigger now. Tears trying their best not to escape the corners of my eyes.) Each time I think of this, there's just this immense pain in my chest and breathing becomes arduous. And the tears can go on for hours. 

Tonight I questioned God about it. Why am I not worthy? What is wrong with me? Am I really such a vile creature? Is this still part of my being patient? Haven't I been patient long enough? I've already damaged myself far more than I expected myself to, so does that mean he's coming even later? Or many never at all? Is it because I've sinned too much? Am I really not prepared yet? By the end of it, as how it usually goes when these kinds of moments with God happen, I just ask to be made numb. At least, when you feel nothing, reality can break you apart and you still get to stand still and just blink your eyes in the midst of it all. 

So there. I know, I know, I know God has plans that are incomprehensible to me. And I do want to try harder to stick to His plans. It just gets tough at times, especially now that I'm in this age. I'm trying, Lord. I might not be trying hard enough, but I'm trying.

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Dear Misery,

Welcome back. It's been a month since our last encounter. I kind of missed you.