chrisfel.

Thursday, September 08, 2011

What is wrong with me?

Each new day I find myself waking up to, I am not entirely sure whether I am beaming with hope or dissipating from it. As was mentioned in Amélie, Times are hard for dreamers. Such is life for the likes of me.

Though I know I won't be forever alone in its spiritual sense (I know for sure that God is and will always be with me), I might just become forever alone physically. The more I think about it, the more my self worth goes down the drain.

Sometimes it is difficult to admit this, but I am envious of the couples that surround me in my daily life. Hell, even couples who are complete strangers at the mall or the tricycle station have gotten me green with envy. It's heartbreaking for me, too, because they're merely your every day normal people who have somehow caught magic in their lives as they clasp their hands into that of the other's. It just makes me think, why can't I have something magical like that?

The world is definitely unfair and it is so wrong for me to be comparing myself to other people, but I can't help but feel a twitch of loneliness when reality sets in, realizing that the romantic kind of love, the love shared between a man and a woman, does not exist in my world, my life. But more importantly, I begin to question myself. What is wrong with me? Am I such a despicable thing to look at? Am I lacking intelligence? Is my humour too dry? Do I not smile enough? Is my character so flawed that I do not deserve to have that special interaction I've been longing for? What is wrong with me?

I am twenty-five f/cking years old and I haven't even held a boy's hand yet. (That two-minute hand-holding "action" in the bus with the boy who loved me but I had no feelings for does not count.) I know I shouldn't be aligning my love life (and lack thereof) to that of the world, but it becomes too daunting a task to always turn your eyes away from all the lovey-dovey images, no thanks to media and the supposed "accepted society." I have a set of standards for myself and God knows how I want to live up to them, but it gets really tough every now and then. Without these standards, I'd be good for nothing, one who does not stand firm on my beliefs and values. As I've read somewhere, If you don't stand by your standards, you don't have any.

Perhaps I expect too much out of people, and guys in particular. But that's a way of living up to my "standards" -- I know what I want and what I deserve. I will not falter. Or rather, I'm trying hard not to falter, to be strong, to not cave in to worldly temptations. Because I know that God will not bless me with someone less than perfect for me. I just need to be patient. The waiting is what's excruciating. The waiting is what is making me weak. It provides ample time for me to be distracted, hence diverting my thoughts to things that are of this world. Things that make me lower my standards or whatever self-respect I have left within me.

The truth is, I let my guard down easily with the right people, if that makes any sense. I let people use me and toy around with me just to feel and experience something new whilst I'm awaiting the man God has created for me. I'm not too proud of the things I've done in the past and the situations I've involved myself in, but I do not regret them. Like the time I stripped out of my shirt and into my bikini at the beach for a guy. Or when I let a friend use me so that she can be closer to the guy she liked: I had to pretend I was someone not myself (as dictated by my friend) and this guy I didn't even like started to really get into me and I just played along because I was making him feel good and I wanted to feel good myself. To know what it's like. Or when I flirt back with guys who most likely won't make it onto my list. Or when I let another guy touch me here and there or when I hike up my skirt a little higher or when I bare a little more skin for his pleasure. It doesn't help, either, that I have been thinking about sex lately. Not sex as in intercourse (as I am totally not getting into that until after having been wed), but the kind that involves being inappropriate in a fun, temporal manner. (I'd be lying if I didn't think of such things.) It's fun for me because these new emotions come erupting about and for a short while, I feel wanted. That I was finally breaking through. I set aside my self-respect every now and then just to get a feel of what it's like to be wanted. But I never fell in love with any of them because it just wasn't right. Besides, they didn't see me the way I would have wanted a guy to view me.

I just feel so inadequate most of the time, I guess. That I'm not good enough to be someone's partner; that I am interlaced with one too many flaws and complexities that I would probably be better off alone. Who would want to put up with someone like me anyway? I am such an intricate human being, causing frustration in those who ever dared try to understand me. But no one really understands anyone, anyway. Not unless you're walking on the same path, thinking and feeling the same exact thoughts. But when I meet my match, I know for sure that we would complement one another in the best ways possible. If God wills for us to come across each other's paths, that is. (It seems irrational of me to think this way, but I feel that when I commit a sin or think of sinful things, God makes the man that is meant for me draw a step back...so when I do something that is not in accordance with His teachings, myself and my future partner draw farther from one another as punishment. That's just what I think.)

What if there is no one for me? I have thought about this countless of times before and truthfully, I have prayed unto God to take me from the world, one too many times in the past, if there is no one for me. Yes, I would prefer to die than to live to be old and alone, not knowing what it's like to have my other half next to me. It is possible to never meet my other half and I am scared. I dream of becoming someone's wife and a mother, but if God says that's not in store for me, then so be it. I just hope He'd show me a greater purpose soon because I don't want to put my hope in something that is not meant for me.

I am sad. I am a sad girl. It doesn't take much to make me happy, but when I am, I make sure there is no room for sadness. But happiness is temporary; it comes around and a little later one fnds reason to be sad again. Human emotions are so temporal that I try my best not to pay attention to them. But despondency has a way of pulling me in; sometimes I drown myself in it so that when other emotions come into play, I would feel as though I am resurfacing from beneath the waters to breathe in something new, something extraordinary. Leaving no room for sadness. I appreciate human emotions so much more this way, until reality strikes back, pulling me beneath the waters again. And so I wallow in misery. (And I like it sometimes.)

"Quiet people have the loudest minds."

Stephen Hawking


*I don't think I think enough.* tumblr instagram previous posts home	Thursday, September 08, 2011 What is wrong with me? Each new day I find myself waking up to, I am not entirely sure whether I am beaming with hope or dissipating from it. As was mentioned in Amélie, Times are hard for dreamers. Such is life for the likes of me. Though I know I won't be forever alone in its spiritual sense (I know for sure that God is and will always be with me), I might just become forever alone physically. The more I think about it, the more my self worth goes down the drain. Sometimes it is difficult to admit this, but I am envious of the couples that surround me in my daily life. Hell, even couples who are complete strangers at the mall or the tricycle station have gotten me green with envy. It's heartbreaking for me, too, because they're merely your every day normal people who have somehow caught magic in their lives as they clasp their hands into that of the other's. It just makes me think, why can't I have something magical like that? The world is definitely unfair and it is so wrong for me to be comparing myself to other people, but I can't help but feel a twitch of loneliness when reality sets in, realizing that the romantic kind of love, the love shared between a man and a woman, does not exist in my world, my life. But more importantly, I begin to question myself. What is wrong with me? Am I such a despicable thing to look at? Am I lacking intelligence? Is my humour too dry? Do I not smile enough? Is my character so flawed that I do not deserve to have that special interaction I've been longing for? What is wrong with me? I am twenty-five f/cking years old and I haven't even held a boy's hand yet. (That two-minute hand-holding "action" in the bus with the boy who loved me but I had no feelings for does not count.) I know I shouldn't be aligning my love life (and lack thereof) to that of the world, but it becomes too daunting a task to always turn your eyes away from all the lovey-dovey images, no thanks to media and the supposed "accepted society." I have a set of standards for myself and God knows how I want to live up to them, but it gets really tough every now and then. Without these standards, I'd be good for nothing, one who does not stand firm on my beliefs and values. As I've read somewhere, If you don't stand by your standards, you don't have any. Perhaps I expect too much out of people, and guys in particular. But that's a way of living up to my "standards" -- I know what I want and what I deserve. I will not falter. Or rather, I'm trying hard not to falter, to be strong, to not cave in to worldly temptations. Because I know that God will not bless me with someone less than perfect for me. I just need to be patient. The waiting is what's excruciating. The waiting is what is making me weak. It provides ample time for me to be distracted, hence diverting my thoughts to things that are of this world. Things that make me lower my standards or whatever self-respect I have left within me. The truth is, I let my guard down easily with the right people, if that makes any sense. I let people use me and toy around with me just to feel and experience something new whilst I'm awaiting the man God has created for me. I'm not too proud of the things I've done in the past and the situations I've involved myself in, but I do not regret them. Like the time I stripped out of my shirt and into my bikini at the beach for a guy. Or when I let a friend use me so that she can be closer to the guy she liked: I had to pretend I was someone not myself (as dictated by my friend) and this guy I didn't even like started to really get into me and I just played along because I was making him feel good and I wanted to feel good myself. To know what it's like. Or when I flirt back with guys who most likely won't make it onto my list. Or when I let another guy touch me here and there or when I hike up my skirt a little higher or when I bare a little more skin for his pleasure. It doesn't help, either, that I have been thinking about sex lately. Not sex as in intercourse (as I am totally not getting into that until after having been wed), but the kind that involves being inappropriate in a fun, temporal manner. (I'd be lying if I didn't think of such things.) It's fun for me because these new emotions come erupting about and for a short while, I feel wanted. That I was finally breaking through. I set aside my self-respect every now and then just to get a feel of what it's like to be wanted. But I never fell in love with any of them because it just wasn't right. Besides, they didn't see me the way I would have wanted a guy to view me. I just feel so inadequate most of the time, I guess. That I'm not good enough to be someone's partner; that I am interlaced with one too many flaws and complexities that I would probably be better off alone. Who would want to put up with someone like me anyway? I am such an intricate human being, causing frustration in those who ever dared try to understand me. But no one really understands anyone, anyway. Not unless you're walking on the same path, thinking and feeling the same exact thoughts. But when I meet my match, I know for sure that we would complement one another in the best ways possible. If God wills for us to come across each other's paths, that is. (It seems irrational of me to think this way, but I feel that when I commit a sin or think of sinful things, God makes the man that is meant for me draw a step back...so when I do something that is not in accordance with His teachings, myself and my future partner draw farther from one another as punishment. That's just what I think.) What if there is no one for me? I have thought about this countless of times before and truthfully, I have prayed unto God to take me from the world, one too many times in the past, if there is no one for me. Yes, I would prefer to die than to live to be old and alone, not knowing what it's like to have my other half next to me. It is possible to never meet my other half and I am scared. I dream of becoming someone's wife and a mother, but if God says that's not in store for me, then so be it. I just hope He'd show me a greater purpose soon because I don't want to put my hope in something that is not meant for me. I am sad. I am a sad girl. It doesn't take much to make me happy, but when I am, I make sure there is no room for sadness. But happiness is temporary; it comes around and a little later one fnds reason to be sad again. Human emotions are so temporal that I try my best not to pay attention to them. But despondency has a way of pulling me in; sometimes I drown myself in it so that when other emotions come into play, I would feel as though I am resurfacing from beneath the waters to breathe in something new, something extraordinary. Leaving no room for sadness. I appreciate human emotions so much more this way, until reality strikes back, pulling me beneath the waters again. And so I wallow in misery. (And I like it sometimes.) "Quiet people have the loudest minds." Stephen Hawking chrisfel at 05:14 << Home