I swear, August, since the first day, has been filled with incomprehensible emotions. One day, all is happy; the next I am confused an in tears yet again. If anyone can beat today's record, well, great job. I'm happy for an entire hour and the next I feel like I want to succumb to nothingness. What the flying monkeys?! I hope to God this isn't a "This Is Your Challenge As A 25-Year Old" thing. Dear God, it's only been three days since my 25th and I'm already to emotionally exhausted.

What is wrong with me? I feel like all the damages that came to be were because of me. Oh, that's right, EVERYTHING is my fault. It feels like everything I do or have done has caused so much pain for another. I swear I didn't want this whole thing to become this ridiculous cycle of "we're okay" and a little while later, "we're not okay." Just when I think peace is on its way, something goes out of control yet again and we're back to being not okay. I hate this. And I cave in after a while. Then we're okay. Then someone says something a little while later and we're not okay again.

It's not fun to try to hold your tears back, but it's also so painful to let tears fall from your eyes because you know they carry such strong emotions of pain. Or happiness. I like the kind of tears that escape my eyes when I'm happy and laughing so hard that my tummy begins to ache. At least it isn't my heart that's in pain. I like the kind of tears that come out at the same time biscuits come erupting from my mouth because something terribly funny has been said out of nowhere. I don't like the kind of tears that make me lose my apetite because just thinking of whatever hurt you makes me just want to stand still and be nothing.

And then you act like it's all okay. Like everything will be fine, like it will all be back to normal again. But normalcy never transpired between us and that's what the problem is -- we try so hard to be "normal" when we don't even know what "normal" is anymore. I don't want to be normal; I don't care about being normal. I just want to be okay.

Can't we start fresh? A clean slate. One that will be filled with abnormal laughters and twisted sense of humor. No more arguments. No more fights. No more going back to the past and saying how it's hurting you because it's hurting me, too.

When I give a friend my heart, I give all of it. I just wish that the people whom I've trusted enough to call my friends (God knows how scared I am of trusting people) wouldn't come toying with my heart. It hurts when you squeeze it too hard, or when you abandon it, or when you poke at it just to see what it'll do next. All my heart needs is to be held in place, with care. Just as how I try my very best to hold all of my friends' hearts tenderly.