argh.

Maybe it's for the best that I'll never come to know you. Who knows how many pieces you'll shatter my heart into? Maybe it's for the best because I won't really fall in love with you; maybe you won't feel anything too. It's probably infatuation all over again, like that of a middle-school girl. Somehow it feels like reaching out for the sky -- the sky that holds nothing but air. That's what it feels like to extend my being unto you. I long for you, the part of you that seems unreal.

I try to close upon this page and simply end it here..but the greater portion of myself resists. Because there's more to this than a young girl's crush. Or maybe I'd like to believe that there's more to this.

I'd be lying to myself if I said I did not think of "what ifs". That mere question, those two simple words, "WHAT" and "IF" have been repeatedly asked in my mind countless times. I've often wondered how different my world could have been if you resided in it, temporarily or permanently. The greater portion of my being has always been prepared to give all I can and all I need to -- for you with nothing in return. Just because I want you to be happy.

I've always been the type to love unconditionally for the happiness of others. But somehow, it never seems to be enough. Somehow I feel that my entire being is inadequate for you. But I never lost hope. And I don't want to, not yet.

You're so hear, yet so far. I want to take risks, I want to be courageous. I want to be brave and be unafraid of the possibility of pain. I don't want to die leaving such desires on paper. I want to feel happiness, loneliness, anguish, madness -- all because of taking a chance. Teach me to feel.

I've prayed and cried out to God, asking Him to numb my senses so I'd simply stop from having you constantly run through my thoughts. I want to give up, to surrender so bad. But somehow I've never let go of that thin thread of hope. Maybe because there is more to his than hope itself.

When it comes to matters of the heart, logic becomes inexistent.