Is it, in all the impossibilities incured by the world, possible to fall for a person whom you haven't had contact with?

The simple reality of one needing another cannot be denied. No one wants to die alone and everyone needs someone to hold on to. How do I know when I've found someone whose hands will fit in mine perfectly? How will I ever know if the fear in me never subsides?

Independence, privilege as it is, becomes an act too tough to prolong. Days, weeks, months, and years pass by -- in the end, you will soon realize how much you resent standing up on your own. I don't want to be the last one standing; I want someone to stand right beside me.

They all tell me that I am young, but how do I know my time's not running out? Have I been patient long enough or am I still being impatient? "Things will be in perfect order, soon you will see." Yet all I can ever really do is wish for "soon" to arrive not a moment too late.



-----



He is studying to become a pilot. His dazzling smile has even gotten my brothers to comment, silly as it sounds, "when he smiles, you can hear a bell go 'ting!' in your head." His smile is beautiful. My parents have already approved of him ("we like him for you," they say). Even my semi-conservative mother has let his smoking vice slip.

"Ew, he smokes?! Yuck!"
"So what if he smokes? You mean to say if a smoker courted you, you would disapprove immediately?"
"Err..eh he smokes! Gross!"
"He's a nice boy. Ilocano roots like you. Soon-to-be pilot. It's okay if he smokes."
"Uhh...okay..."
"Plus, gwapo talaga siya."

For somer eason, which I find illogical, he has consumed my thoughts all weekend. It's quite odd, really. I've briefly come into contact with him just once..and it's usually my brothers or parents he talks stories with. I never seem to catch him on time.



Yet, fate or mere coincidence has brought us together in one place.

We were at the mall on Saturday night and the entire family was craving for pizza. I'd originally planned to treat them at Sbarro's, but when we got there, the extremely stuffed pizzas we were all looking forward to had run out. (Probably because it was already 8PM.) I suggested Yello Cab instead, but on the way there, we caught a glimpse of Shakey's. Lo and behold, as we were about to take our seats, we see him on another table with his cousins and sister. We sat a couple tables away from them; they and the rest of my family waved and smiled at one another. I smiled politely (for the sake of joining in on the fun --not to mention, surprised-- greetings). From my seat, though, I had a clear view of his million-dollar smile.



-----



All I can really do is sigh. I feel like an adolescent, so innocent and unfamiliar of the emotions bursting from within me. Here's the best part yet:
"Anak, we found someone you might like. Gwapo, mestizo, medyo chubby like you, nag-aaral maging pilot!"
"Wow, talaga?! San niyo naman na-discover yun?"
"Kapit-bahay lang natin!"
"O, talaga? How old?"
"Kasing edad mo lang yun!"
"Okay, sige. Sana next time maabutan ko siya. Tignan ko kung okay.."
"Kaya lang anak, may girlfriend na daw eh.."
"Nyek!! Ano ba kayo! Wag na yun noh! Hanap nyo ko ng iba.."
"Okay lang yun. Girlfriend lang naman eh, hindi asawa. Mag-bebreak din yun!"
"Ang sama niyo!!!"
"Ay hindi! Basta gusto namin siya!"


One, my parents are sorta crazy. And two, does my inexistent lovelife call for such desperate measures?

The pressure, the stress, the dazzling smile, the secret wishes, the nearly-desperate attempts. What am I supposed to do? What is expected of me? What's missing from my being? One too many questions rummage through my mind. As much as I want to laugh everything off, all I can ever manage to do is sigh, shut my eyes as tight as I could -- so that when I open them, I will be met with the sun looking down on me. And so I will go on wishing, hoping, dreaming...until the day comes when I no longer have to do these things alone.

- 26 jan '08 / 2am-something