I may have composed a better journal entry in my head, during my showers and moments gardening as I dig my bare hands into the soil. 

But for the sake of therapeutic release and not-forgetting, I shall summon my thoughts and do my best to paint them in coherent words, phrases, and sentences. 

I turned 31 last August and life was never really the same, for the most part. It's like everything and nothing is happening all at once and it's quite a challenge, at times, to cope with it all. If anything needs to be noted and regarded as most important, it is this: despite all the craziness and chaos and staring into blank space (or upon the starry skies), my heart remains grateful and in awe and captivated towards my Heavenly Father, the God of the universe. 

Let's start with that. My relationship with God has become so much more personal, with me sputtering raw, honest words and thoughts in my prayers. Because there is absolutely nothing I can hide from Him, there really would be no point in holding back or "keeping secrets" from Him. So, in that manner, I would like to say that my relationship with the Lord has been (and is continually being) strengthened. Sometimes, I just kind of go, "Whoa, You're my Dad?" And everything else fades into the background, seemingly trivial. 

But I've also had countless times of burning my bed sheets with endlessly streaming tears, screaming, "Why does my heart hurt so much?" and pleading, "Please, Dad, take this away from me; I can't take it much longer!" and then succumbing to a tiny child, saying, "God, just keep holding me in Your arms. Never let me go." 

This is life. This is living.

Amidst all the imperfection, there is still beauty in all the chaos. 

I was once trapped in a season of unhappiness and anxiety, but most of that is a thing of the past now. (I say most because I still have unpleasant experiences from time to time, but I am continually learning to overcome them in ways that have me point my feet back to the Lord.) Unhappiness and anxiety were replaced with meeting (and eventually becoming friends with) brothers and sisters who never run out of encouragement and reminders of who God is in our lives. It's amazing; one of the biggest changes I've made, especially late last year, were the people I've chosen to be surrounded with. (But really, who are we kidding, we know God has placed each of us in certain spots at certain times so we could all become well-acquainted.) I was once an extremely timid and anxious woman, and now here I stand, being the first to greet others (including strangers!) happily. I realize now that this is mainly because of the people whom God allowed me to fellowship with - so I could learn from them (most are extroverts!) and so I could be assured that I am never alone in my struggles. There has been a major increase in accountability as well, so much so that those closest to my heart are able to read my eyes easily and vice versa. It's been amazing and sometimes, I admit, tiring (especially for someone who is not used to socializing on a regular basis), but I wouldn't have it any other way.

If there is a positive note pertaining to social circles, it's inevitable to also have a downside. While my encounters haven't been anywhere near Judas betraying Jesus to be crucified, there have been a few people who have also broken my heart. They inflicted some really deep wounds and if anyone knew me at all, trust is not something that I can easily restore. Forgiveness, yes, but trust? Maybe never. Although I've sought godly counsel and I've been told once and again to love such people (because it is what we must do) despite what they have done or said, rebuilding trust is never going to be a walk in the park for me, especially. 

In Luke 16:10, it states: "Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much." Hence, if you show me that I am unable to trust you with something trivial, I probably have no reason to trust you with something greater. Here lies trust being broken over something petty: I told a human, whom I thought was a friend, that I had a crush a guy and this supposed "friend" told another friend (whom I have no close relations with, mind you) of my crush. It is petty, it is middle school stuff. Yes, I am aware. But for me, it is a clear picture of betrayal. Let me say it again: If I cannot trust you with something so small, I probably have no reason to trust you with something bigger. 

So it started with that, or so I thought. I realize now that my discomfort has started long before: during our first meeting, where she was obnoxiously loud (they were never "my kind of people") but because of her extrovert personality, I just shrugged it off. Besides, I was supposed to be doing my best to socialize and build friendly relations. The friendship (was it ever real?) went well for a while, but it has always lacked depth (in comparison to those whom I had real closeness with over the years). And then that petty incident happened and I was so disappointed, though I tried my best to keep my cool with "hahas" and "lols" thrown in conversations. And then another incident where her true colors shown, as witnessed by several others. From that moment, it piled up: similar experiences from different individuals, puzzle pieces were put together, a strewn inconsistencies were discovered, lies after lies after lies told. Yet, there has never been any sign of remorse or asking for forgiveness or any small step of coming forward into the light on her end. (I know, I know, I am no less of a sinner. My point is, what's the point of becoming a Christian if we respond to problems in ways which are not of the Word?) If that weren't enough, said human has the ovaries to twist stories around for unknown reasons, to which I can only guess: to acquire sympathy from others. 

At this point, I can only roll my eyes. I have witnessed a number of church conflict during my teenage years and have dealt with a handful of pathological liars in the past that I am hardly affected at this point in my life. Though it still stings because I have been betrayed and she has hurt people I love, which is unacceptable for this lion-hearted big sister. Life is unfair, conflicts will never cease to arise, I know, I know. But I'm sorry, if I cannot trust you, there really is no reason to have any form of relationship with you. I want closure. At this moment, said human is now merely an acquaintance. 

I try my very best to look at the bright side of things, and this is what I've come to realize: The lesson in this incident and in dealing with this person is something of great value. One, listen to how much a person uses "I" and "me" in conversations. Also, if you share a story and they share a similar story and add in exaggerated vibes to make their story more colorful and better than yours, be very, very observant. Two, watch out for recurring patterns in the way someone talks about people, whether they be about someone they like or dislike. Especially when they speak of the opposite men. Three, if they say they will show up but don't, and if this happens more than three times, in two months, they probably are not reliable. Four, if they suddenly show up because the person they like is around, they are probably showing up with the wrong motivation. Five, consistency is key. Be willing to listen to the person, but do not take to heart everything they say. Validate their story with the other party and determine whether they are telling the truth or not. Remember, there are always three sides to every story: their side, your side, and the absolute truth. Six, if you aren't able to help someone become better versions of themselves while they do nothing to help you become a better version of yourself, you're probably in a toxic relationship. You don't need any more toxins in your life. The air in the city is more than enough for your daily dose of toxicity. Besides, if they refuse to help themselves in the first place anyway, there is nothing you can do to help them. Seven, you can love people from afar while not liking them. Love them by praying for them, even though there is a trace of anger in your heart towards them. If it does nothing to change them, at least you know you're doing something to change your heart. Eight, if you love your friends and family enough, you will never be ashamed to tell them the truth, even if it is sometimes painful. Nine,  Exodus 14:14. God's got us.

I have forgiven her and will continue to forgive her. But really, all I want now is closure.

Sometimes a goodbye will allow you to say hello to people you've never imagined would ever become your family. Thanks to her, I have new-found sisters in the Lord whom I can be accountable with, never fearful of showing my flaws and vulnerable heart, sisters who have and continue to help me grow in love with the Lord.

And then, the inspiration. The battle of unbelief is strong in this area, but I trust in God that He knows what is best: the who, the what, and the when. Trust.

I am grateful for this amazing journey God has placed me in. No matter what happens, just get up and go with the Lord.