I realize that I have been suffering from self-dislike (hate is such a strong word, whatever that means). Most of the time, I feel indifferent, very rarely do I actually like (even love) myself...and the rest of the time? I abhor myself. With this regard, I give the Devil permission to have me fall in unimaginable circumstances. Basically, I'm saying 'Yes' to the Devil and 'No' to God. (Kind of like saying 'yes' to doing drugs all the while being fully aware of how wrong it is to pursue the act itself.) The World has got such a stronghold on me, and whenever I feel like I've made a breakthrough, with allowing God to move in my life and just standing by Him, I gradually drift away and fall into a deep pit of sin, immorality, negativity, and well, self-loathe.

Hence the regression. I turn into a selfish monster, seeking temporary happiness in various corners of life, only caring to satisfy myself. Thus indulging in worldly thoughts...and even activities. Yes, despite knowing its wrongful nature. It is much like switching the 'self-destruct' button on; the more I dislike myself, the more I want to destroy my being. And well, this gives the Devil a bigger opportunity to control me. In such moments, I feel that I become detached from my body, allowing harm to come my way. And in the same manner, I allow myself to cause harm unto others. I take in peoples' shit and give them shit in return. (I guess you could say that I take pleasure in taking people down with me.) There's just indifference, mostly, so whatever I do or whatever has been done unto me proves itself meaningless; nothing more but a temporary escape from all the negativity I have towards myself.

Anyway, I don't want to dwell on all this self-rage anymore. Or self-dislike; whatever. I want to be able to just fully love myself. Others may think that I'm merely fishing for compliments, but I'm not one to believe words verbally expressed by that of another so easily. Kind of like when some would say, "You're so pretty." The thought that pops into my head, automatically, is "You just want something.." or "You're just getting on my good side.." (I know, I know. Perhaps I thrive in cynicism. Well, a part of me has always been cynical, anyway.) But as much as I don't trust people easily, what they say to me (or about me, even) are just words. They aren't to be taken to heart. (But there are exceptions: if I love you dearly and I know you love me just the same, I trust you 110% and would not doubt your words.) Essentially, I just want to perceive myself to be one that is of worth.

I just want to feel beautiful in my own skin, despite my imperfections. I want to have a high regard for myself once again. I really don't know how I've become this way. I used to be stronger; I used to be so comfortable with myself...but I suppose the ways of The World has its way of twisting one's viewpoint, resulting in self-infliction. It is a really sad state to be in, but I hope to God that I can help myself become better; to be able to have self-respect and self-worth once again. I know God loves me no matter what, but I just don't want to disappoint Him further. I'm so ashamed of myself with the constant failures.

It may come off quite bizarre for some, but I do not regret the things I have done or have thought of. (Regret = Misery = More Self-Dislike = More Loopholes for the Devil) Instead, I have fully accepted what has been and take the past as a meaningful lesson. I love learning about Life, really. The human experience is just amazing. Perhaps it is one of the reasons why I allow myself to go through all of these; to experience the good and the bad and to learn from it; to learn more about myself. And about other people.

For instance, I have learned that true friends love you no matter what you've done. I will never forget this: "Friend, love parin kita kahit ano pa man ang ginawa mo." Even when a friend looks you straight in the eye and tells you, "I'm frustrated and disappointed." -- because you know that that friend has the heart (and guts) to tell you the truth; there's nothing like a friend who truly cares for your well-being. Then there friends who do not stop you from doing what is wrong; you begin to wonder if they even care for you at all. (People really are something; I hope there's nothing wrong with observing them and making a mental analysis for each. Ha!) But it's true, in the darkest of times, the ones who love you most burn brightest. Still so thankful. :)

I guess it really does boil down to self-acceptance. There is definitely A LOT of room for self-improvement; I just really hope I can stick to my goal this time. If I really want to see myself better, I ought to treat myself better. Accept what is and work on the ugly areas. I just need God to keep me on the right path. I just hope to God I won't regress this time.